Dying a little everyday
by Hecate4
Summary: A one shot fanfic. Joan turns her back on God for good. How can she work with him after what he's done?


> > One shot fanfic to shake off this mood I'm in. You know you get those moods where you feel empty but you also feel sad and it's unexplainable. Well I need to write to get me through this tonight. I would really appreciate it if you reviewed so at least I know if I have done some thing productive.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
#  
  
The rain fell continuously upon the floor, drops crashing forcefully into puddles. Joan turned her head to the heavens. Tears mixed with raindrops on her face, cascading down her cheeks as she shook with sorrow and anguish.  
  
"How could you do this? How could you take him away from me? How could you do this?" her voice was coarse from hours of crying, God has abandoned her after he had done this cruel heartless thing. God worked in mysterious ways, that's what people said, if God was meant to be such a good person why the hell did he do this?  
  
She dropped to her knees, and placed her hands on the floor to steady herself. Why won't he answer her call? Why won't he face up to his actions?  
  
"I hate you. I hate you I hate you I HATE YOU" shouting made her feel as though it might help ease the pain but really it didn't. Her family want her to talk about her feelings but she can't. How can she describe that she doesn't know how to carry on with out him? That he was more than they realised. That she loved him. She didn't want to "talk her feelings out" she wanted him back and talking about it solved nothing. Absolutely nothing. When will they get that?  
  
Will and Helen Giraridi looked out of their window and saw Joan in a whirlwind of pain. Helen turned to the door to go talk to Joan, to comfort her baby girl, to hold her as she let out her pain. But Will held her back.  
  
"No, don't go to her Helen, we have been suffocating her with our attempts to help her. She needs this. She needs to get her anger out so she can come to terms with it." He slowly took a deep breath and gently squeezed his wife's shoulder.  
  
Helen silently cried. She cried for Joan, she cried for the death of the student, she cried for his family. She cried in her own grief. Tears never failed to appear in Joan's eyes as she lay on the garden floor. She didn't know when the pain would end, she didn't know when the tears would stop and she didn't know if she could carry on, get though everyday. Remember how to breathe, remember how to function in a world without him. Her heart ached as she thought about it. She had to get away from this, away from it all.  
  
She stealthily got to her feet and ran to the back door. Once in her room she grabbed as many clothes as possible and shoved them into a bag. She didn't care that they were screwed up, after her mum had taken the effort to fold them all up. She didn't care that she left her room in a mess. All she cared about was getting out, getting away.  
  
Joan emptied the contents of her moneybox into her purse. Then threw it onto her bed. She sat on her bed and waited. She waited till she knew her parents had gone to bed, until she knew Kevin had left the living room and until she knew Luke was finished downstairs.  
  
In the dark she waited. The rain lashed down on her bedroom window and tears remained in her eyes. It felt like a routine now, for the past night and day she had been crying non stop ever since she got the phone call. She remembered everything about that last night before the phone call.  
  
Flashback  
  
All of the Giraridi's sat in the living room eating the family meal. Talking about this and that. Luke was rambling about his science project and Joan was talking to Kevin about his basketball game. Yes that was it, he had played basketball and they had won, The Bear had taken Kevin for a drink to celebrate. Joan was so thrilled for Kevin because she knew it meant a lot to him.  
  
Then the phone rang, at first no one moved to get it. They all looked at one another hoping that they would not have to answer the phone.  
  
"Lord of the dork's go answer the phone" Kevin mumbled to Luke across from the table.  
  
"Mum, Dad, did you hear his attack on me?" Luke stammered.  
  
"Answer the phone Luke, we'll deal with the crime afterwards." Will reasoned.  
  
Luke made his way to the phone grumbling about being a victim.  
  
"Hello the Giraridi's slave speaking how may I-" Luke paused, his face dropped. "I- what- er- yeah- J-J-Joan, it's Grace. You have to talk to her. There, there's been an accident, it's Adam, you, you need to talk to Grace." Luke finished in a blur of words. He looked distraught.  
  
Joan had never moved so fast in her life. She practically ran to the phone. Luke held the receiver out for her to take.  
  
"Grace? What is it? What's happened?" She fell silent as Grace's sobs filled the phone line.  
  
"It's Adam, He's been in an accident." She paused as she tried to calm her self down. "He was attacked by a maniac outside the hardware store, he was stabbed several times in the chest. He took his wallet and left him for dead. Adam died before the ambulance got to him." Grace told Joan where his body was and other details, which just washed over her.  
  
She fell to the floor and dropped the phone. Luke was at her side and pulled her into his tight embrace. While Helen rushed to the phone and picked it up. Grace explained to her what has happened and Helen ended the call.  
  
Joan wept into her brother's arms as he rocked her back and forth, trying to provide comfort.  
  
End of flashback  
  
On the street out side her house Joan stumbled down it, in the dark, alone and not sure where to go. All she knew was she wanted to get away.  
  
"Joan, running away won't stop the pain." A voice called out to her from across the street.  
  
She stopped still, anger coursing through her. God. He finally made an appearance.  
  
"How dare you? HOW DARE YOU?" God slowly approached Joan in the form of the teenage guy, which Joan first saw him in. "You did this. After every thing I do for you, you go and take him way. I have sacrificed so much for you and you do this?"  
  
"Joan, I know you angry, I know your hurting. But it was his time. He has made the transition into beyond. Don't be sad for him."  
  
She interrupted him mid speech. "Fuck you. Fuck your tasks. Fuck your messages. Fuck you." Tears lingered on her cheeks, a permanent fixture on her.  
  
"I understand that you want to blame me, I understand that you think it's my fault but you have to see that I can't change when a person's time to die is. That's life Joan, no matter how hard it is to take that's life. I don't know how to make this better for you, I wish I could but I can't. You have to go through he process of mourning. And in time you'll learn to live. Joan, where are you going? Joan? Joan?" God stood in amazement as she carried on walked, her bag slung carelessly over her shoulder, her body shaking from silent tears.  
  
"Joan..."  
  
Joan never looked back, she vowed to never talk to God again. From that moment on she would resume life as a normal person. If she could ever manage that again. She loved Adam so much; she didn't think it was bearable to carry on. After everything they went through he was gone. Joan made her way back to her house. She knew she needed her family. She needed their support and love to get her though this.  
  
The rain eased into a gentle pitter-patter as she put her key in the lock and turned. The door shut silently behind her.  
  
From the font lawn a solitary figure watched Joan enter her house, tears rolled down his face. "Goodbye, I'll always love you Jane"  
  
A/N please review and let me know what you made of this. I hated killing Adam because him and Joan are meant to be together but this was a one off. So sue me.  
  
x


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